Tuesday, March 04, 2003

I’ve made a pretty big change in my life – I’ve cut right back on the caffeine – in fact, I’ve cut it out altogether. I’ve also started eating my RDA of fibre, fruit, vegetables and so on. The difference is amazing. I’ve gone from feeling tired, occasionally manic and generally run down to being pretty OK.

It’s fcking torture.

Over the past year I’ve become convinced that caffeine is a super addictive drug. But a drug with a decent pay off. Who ever heard of someone losing their job and family through being addicted to coffee? For me caffeine’s a high comparable to speed if used in the right way.

I’m not talking about yr typical gold blend or fluffy high street mocca succa cocka stuff neither…my brew is something a little more hardcore.

There was a time when I used to sit down to write with a couple of cans of Red Rooster – a drink similar to Red Bull that promotes itself as being twice as strong as RB – and the venom used to just pour out onto the page. Hell, this stuff is cheaper than the ‘market leader’ and tastes just about the same.

For some reason I decided I was going to give it all up for a week at least. I just wanted to see if the world’s any different when yr totally straight.

In a way going cold turkey’s not been that bad. I haven’t shit myself or hallucinated. I haven’t started sweating profusely and shaking. On the down side I did find myself placidly watching daytime TV (how DO they justify having two antique flogging shows on in a row?).

It’s a bit of a bummer so far. No great revelations, just a lack of any inspiration.

Iggy Pop did not write Lust for Life while sipping Orange Juice. Lester Bangs did not become the greatest music journalist on Perrier alone. Reg Presley said he needed nothing stronger than a cup of tea to write songs. My point? Everyone needs a drug, you just got to pick the right one.

Class A drugs worked well for Pop but less well for people like Zammo off Grange Hill. Most people used to use Romilar for shifting a troublesome cough, but for Bangs it was rocket fuel for the brain. Me and Reg, we love a brew.

Check back here soon for Yossarian Anthony’s guide to getting wired Red Rooster style.

Friday, February 28, 2003

‘Those people who say that the pictures are better in your head, and that films are pale imitations, those people are talking shit. I’ve seen some incredible porno films and I gotta say, there’s stuff in there I could NEVER imagine.’- Yossarian Anthony

Thursday, February 27, 2003

Fink back to the good old days dear reader. Fink ard… it was great then weren’t it, in the good old days. There isn’t a single time in history that isn’t great; apart from the days before nostalgia was invented at least.

Yep, great it all really was.

Nostalgia used to be owned by people who lived in the south of England – mostly cockernee types. The Concise OED defines nostalgia as:

‘Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Krays, the Palladium, Carry on films, Our Enry Cooper and any episode of Only Fools and Horses are all great. (from Greek nostos - ‘they don’t make em like that any more’.)

Now anyone can get a bit of the nostalgia action. In recent years the following events have passed into the nostalgic hall of fame. Picture these in yr mind and I guarantee you a nostalgic blast…

That face Gary Lineker did when Gazza started crying in the World Cup – you know, that one where he sort of points at his eye then at Gazza.

When it used to say ‘except for viewers in Scotland’ (I’ve no idea what Scottish people had to watch in those days. If you are Scottish and this one makes you feel bad, I’m sorry).

When the Beastie Boys were kinda frightening and people’s VW badges went missing…

The sad thing is this only proves that there’s some kind of bubble in the time continuum. Try this… Cast yr mind forward… it’s shit isn’t it.

I mean, in five years we’ll have a whole raft of stammering goat voiced idiots as a result of TV Shows like Fame Academy (except for readers in Scotland) and Pop Idol to look back on. Is it me, or these shows created just to find the next generation of cruise ship ‘artistes’?

The Fame Academy winner was called Sneddon for christ’s sake!

I want to sow a seed with you all right now. I want y’all to promise me that in the coming years, when Sneddon, Gates, Will Young and Doofus are distant memories that you’ll slap the first person who says anything like:

That Gareth Gates… ah, they don’t make them like that any more…

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

How come so many of today’s ‘hot’ young bands – Strokes, Datsuns and so on – have at least one member with the same face as the drummer out of Supergrass?” – Yossarian Anthony

I was looking through the Sunday paper today and ‘found’ (when I say ‘found’ I mean…)… anyway, I found this advert for ‘Europe’s Premier Swingers Club’. They’re advertising their Valentine’s Party (what with it being in the February 23rd issue and all) and guess what they’ve got on offer for the horny fckers:

Wet T-Shirt/ Boxer Shorts
Naked Dancing
Special DJ
Hot Pot.

How high on the list of priorities does ‘Hot Pot’ come for these people? Surely f*cking should be on there somewhere.

Monday, February 24, 2003

I wrote this a while back but with Gareth Gates back on the front pages for not being able to talk proper I thought 'the world needs to read this...'

Stammer of the Gods

A good friend of mine once told me he’d seen Dr ‘Pepsichartrundown’ Fox’s nob while the two of them urinated in a public toilet. My mate managed to splash a small amount of piss on the radio GP’s shoes without being noticed.

So what? Why bring up the Fox-cock tale? Why am I sat here in front of a computer screen on a Monday night instead of slipping the new Will Young CD on so my friends and me can have a real good boogie?

I’ve laughed at the Fox-winky story many times but it’s only today that it hit me – that nob has been present during some of the worst crimes committed against culture in the last ten years…

I live in a country where PoptwattingIdol™ gets prime time TV coverage, acres of column inches in the press and it’s own money spinning tourdvdconcertsoftdrinkarama. I, however, have to stay up to all hours to get a fix of one of this century’s most fantastic televisual feasts – JACKASS

Hours of my life are filled with grinning fresh faced no-talent gimboids gyrating and stammering their way though ‘classics’ in a bid to become a ‘pop idol’. Yet when I want to watch a team of level headed guys get run over by a hover boat ON PURPOSE I’ve got to wait up to the small hours! It makes no sense.

By now you’ll agree - SOMETHING’S GOT TO BE DONE…

People say to me, ‘Come on, it’s only a show. Video it.’ BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT. The point is, folks, that we are being patronised and slowly conditioned.

In ten years rock biographies and concert footage will be all we have to remind us of when entertainment had soul. Meanwhile Gareth Gates’ biography Stammer of the Gods becomes a number one best seller.

An apocalyptic vision of the future, I’m sure you’ll agree.

One of the main arguments for scheduling Pop Idol for primetime and putting Jackass on so late is that kids and impressionable adults might try to copy the stunts. SO?

I don’t see a down side here at all. To me the VERY BIG PROBLEM is that people ARE copying what they see in Pop Idol! Surely that’s the biggest threat to evolution. WHY? It’s a distraction that’s taking us away from what really matters - evolving. It’s part of a MASSIVE MARKETING RUSE to sell polished turds.

People might copy the stunts if we put it on prime time? GOOD. I say that anyone who wants to inhale earthworms, drink and puke up a gallon of milk or stage a boxing match with both contestants wearing stilts SHOULD DO. I would also urge them to mail me a copy of the video tape.

Anyway. I’ve come up with a compromise, which I think will work because I’m a populist and I want everyone to be satisfied. I propose that the next series of Pop Idol should include a Jackass style qualification round. Hell, anyone wanting the ultimate prize so much will gladly attempt to leap across a pond on a child’s bicycle. I’ll let you know the reaction of the producers as soon as I hear back from them.
If all goes well it’ll be Wee Man going straight in at number one next year with Surfin’ USA…

Anyway, my project to DO SOMETHING about the sorry state of TV will continue – watch out for me performing as Napalm Death in the next series of Stars in Their Eyes…
Y'know how people say 'remember where you were when John Lennon was shot'? well, when Richard Hillman confessed to killing half of Coronation Street I was here - writing my first 'blog'.

Anarchy, huh...